Thoughts for the Day 1/19

Today has been an interesting day. This year hasn’t started off well, and there are days when I wonder if things are ever going to get better. Honestly, my year started off with my boss cutting my hours from 40 hours a week to less than 20. The plus side, is that it has given me the push I’ve needed to find a new job. The negative, is that I’m not very optimistic about this job search. I’m worried that I’m not going to get called for interviews, that I’m not going to find a new job and that I’m going to burn through my savings trying to stay independent. All of which leads to today.

I’m only working three days this week, which gives me plenty of time to fill out applications on my job search. The downside is that I’m left with a lot of time at home, alone. I got off work today at noon, having an early shift and my first thought when I was getting off was that I didn’t want to go home. The problem is that I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m sure it would be very different, if I had someone or even a pet, waiting for me at home; if I was not alone all of the time.

I’m so scared that I’m going to spend my life alone. I’m scared that I’m never going to find that person to be with, to marry. I want a family and I’m scared that’s never going to happen. At this point, I feel like I’m facing an entire lifetime alone, and that’s not something I want to face.

I guess, in a lot of ways, I’m a high functioning depressive. I get up and go to work. I try to get things done in my life. Most of the time, it’s because I have to. I want to be independent. I don’t want to need to rely on anyone, and I’m so scared of losing that independence, that freedom. I’m scared that I’m never going to get my feet back under me after being so severely knocked off them when my depression hit.

I was on track to graduate college with a double major and a minor, a semester early. All of that derailed my junior year. Maybe that is all for the best. I was studying a major I did not want. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I may not be any better off than I was three years ago, but at least I have a better view of what I would like to do with my life.

I might never succeed in my dream, but this blog is the start to it, so at least I’m taking a step in the right direction. I don’t know if things will work out for me, but if I stay scared, if I don’t try, I’ll never succeed. So here is my first step. This blog, no matter how scary it can be to share your innermost thoughts with the world, is my first step to my dream and hopefully, it will lead me to where I want to be. Hopefully, this blog is providing insight, help and hope to those suffering from depression. And hopefully, it’s providing progress, tolerance and awareness to those who have family or friends suffering from depression.

Adapt – Advocates for Depression Awareness, Progress and Tolerance

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The Beginning

To understand how depression affected me, you need to know who I was before I was diagnosed.

During high school, I was the go-getter. I was very involved in choir, musicals and my studies. I had no problem getting good grades with minimal effort. I wasn’t popular and sometimes I felt like I didn’t fit in, but I had my friends to hang out with.

I was always told that I would thrive in college, that it would be the perfect place for me. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. I struggled, not with my courses, but with me classmates. A series of issues with various roommates left me feeling lonely and forgotten. The feelings that I didn’t fit in and wasn’t wanted became extremely prevalent.

My sophomore year, I was introduced to a guy by a group of friends from home. My first relationship, albeit a long-distance one, began. He was the one I could talk to when things weren’t going well. I fell in love, but like first loves, it wasn’t meant to be.

After another string of roommate failures, I had gotten special permission to live off-campus my junior year. A work opportunity kept me at college the summer before, 6 hours away from my boyfriend. The distance took its toll and 10 months after we started dating, we called it quits.

I was devastated. It had been my first real relationship, the first guy I had fallen in love with, and the guy who had taken my virginity. For weeks, my health deteriorated; loss of appetite, nausea, loss of motivation, tiredness, I wasn’t attending my classes and I could barely get out of bed. At first, I thought I was pregnant, but a pregnancy test quickly negated that. Finally I went to the health clinic on campus. Finding nothing physically wrong with me, I was diagnosed with depression and was put on my first antidepressant.

And so began my battle; a fight that has lasted over three years, thus far.

I would like for you to follow along my journey, as I recount it.  I feel as though sharing my thoughts and feelings through major moments of my illness would help those unfamiliar with depression gain an understanding, albeit small, of what it’s like to live with depression.