This is a continuation, Week 4, of my daily journal while in outpatient treatment for depression, anxiety and avoident personality disorder. Please click for Week 1, Week 2 and Week 3.
Week 4, Day 19:
My doctor informed me today that they believe my depression is caused by ingrained personality traits which are linked with my avoidant personality disorder tendencies. Supposedly I can fix this by thinking positive things and making positive situations and decisions. I consider this ‘Reprogramming Talia’.
We also discussed change in group therapy today and the therapist had each person write down their top 5 necessities for change. Here are mine:
- You have to want to change (willingness)
- You have to have help to make change occur (therapist, doctors, etc)
- You have to have a solid support system
- You have to have the ability to be flexible
- You have to allow the change to happen (don’t fight it)
Everyone came up with different answers and it was interesting to see how other people view change and how much needs to happen for change to occur.
Change wouldn’t be worth it, if it was easy.
After yesterday and the realization about the ingrained personality traits, my thoughts have become increasingly negative about myself.
How did I become like is? Is it my fault that these personality traits evolved? Did I make myself like this (unconsciously, of course)? “I am wrong. I am messed up. I made this.”
I want to know why I’m like this. I want to know why I developed in this way.
I want to blame someone, anyone for me turning out this way. Maybe because then I would be the victim and not the perpetrator. And in a way, aren’t I still a victim? A victim of circumstances, situations and environments? Something had to have happened for me to turn out this way.
I feel like I can’t talk. I just get looked over. My issues aren’t important enough. I asked to see my therapist today, but I doubt he’s going to pull me out.
I feel like I’m not getting any better. I’ve been here for a month. I just don’t matter.
Today I talked about how I felt. The group therapist gave me the suggestion to look at situations in my life that have caused me pain and hurt. I am supposed to pick situations that still bother me; situations I still need to process. I am supposed to journal it and hopefully reprocess the situation. I should look at it as a learning experience rather than allowing it to hurt me.
I have a very ‘all or nothing’ attitude. I don’t want to invest time and energy into something if it isn’t going to work out.
My therapist also discussed my discharge from the program today. We decided that I would discharge in a week. I don’t know how I feel about this.
Please stay tuned for Week 5. Here are the links for Week 1, Week 2 and Week 3.