My Story: After Outpatient Treatment Part 1

Week 1; Day 1:
I’m still struggling to find a therapist. i feel better and don’t necessarily want to find someone new. It’s hard finding someone. I’ve gotten lonely and I clicked with my last three therapists but now that I’m feeling better, I don’t necessarily want to find a new one.
And I know that one of the reasons I’m feeling better is because of the new guy in my life. For some reason, he think’s I’m absolutely amazing and gorgeous. I don’t completely agree with him. I can be amazing but I definitely don’t think that I’m gorgeous. Of course, hearing all of these things is very good for my ego and self-esteem but I need to feel these things for myself. I can’t rely on someone else for how I feel about myself.

Day 2:
I had an interesting dream that left me waking up feeling hurt. I’ve posted about this dream and the emotions I experienced because of it here.
I need to remember that I can have preferences but not expectations.

Day 3:
I’m reading this ‘self-help’ book, which is a little ironic because I’ve never really liked self-help books. But I found these two quotes which I really related to.
“I feel like I must earn my self-esteem. I think I must be very ‘special’ or intelligent or successful to be loved and accepted by others” (p. 176, Burns)
“I am terrified by failure. If I do not achieve an important goal, i feel like a failure as a human being” (p. 176, Burns)

Day 5:
That awesome guy asked me out ‘officially’ last night. & I’m here at his concert tonight. On the drive up here, I realized that I’m scared. I’m what ifing the whole thing and I’m worried that I’m going to come out of this worse for the wear. Honestly, I feel like crying. I realize that I just have to live in the moment and let things happen the way they will.

Day 6:
I’m looking forward to the new bf coming out and staying the night. It’s exciting. I don’t know what he sees in me, but I’m glad he sees it. He makes me feel better about myself which is potentially a problem. I need to bring this up with my therapist, when I find a new one.

Day 7:
I’m struggling today. It was awesome spending time with the bf, it was also sad to see him go. I know I’ll get to see him again, but now I’m feeling lonely and alone and parts of me are thinking ‘what if I never hear from him again? Why would he ever want me?’ I know this is the IBSC talking and I really wish they would shut up but their illogic is sounding mighty logical to me right now. I hate my mind!!!

My Life in Outpatient Treatment: Week 3

This is a continuation, Week 3, of my daily journal while in outpatient treatment for depression, anxiety and avoidant personality disorder. Click here to read Week 1 and Week 2.

Week 3, Day 14:
I don’t know what to do. I supposedly ‘need’ people but I honestly don’t want to need people. People are unreliable and dishonest. People hurt me.
I don’t know how to like myself. I have this craving for validation from others. It’s a need. And I know I have to break this need but I don’t know how.
My birthday is tomorrow and I’m honestly not looking forward to it. I feel like the day is just going to be crap. I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to tomorrow. It’s just another day. Just another boring day with the same old schedule.
Being at therapy today has made me feel worse. This card project is just reminding me that I don’t have anything in my life. I don’t want to be here.
(Note: The card project was to create a card from someone you would probably never get a card from. Who would it be from? What would it say? This was a very difficult project for the entire group.)

Day 15:
Today was my birthday. It was more fun than I thought it would be. I didn’t have anything planned because I had to work, but one of my fellow patients brought in cupcakes & she gave me an awesome present of candles and scent hand soap. Hopefully I’ll have more fun in 2 days when I celebrate with my best friend and my family.

Day 16:
I need to start practicing my happiness sheet. (Link)
I need to change my perspective on life.
Homework – Go do things and keep an open mind. Don’t judge things, including myself & my opinions. Catch the judgements before I make them.

Day 17:
Get out and volunteer. It’s a good way to meet people with similar interests.
Trust = consistency/time
I need to get approval from myself first. I need to ask myself; Do I approve of this? Am I living by my values?

Day 18:
I had another quick mood change today. I don’t know why I have these mood swings. I was feeling all right. Now, I’m upset. I’m not sure what triggers these changes.
I need to figure out what my triggers are.
Today’s trigger – When I feel like I am being perceived or am accused of being childish or childlike.

Please stay tuned for Weeks 4 and 5. Click here to view Week 1 and Week 2.

My Life in Outpatient Treatment: Week 1

As I posted here, I was recently admitted into a psychiatric outpatient treatment center for my depression. I kept what could loosely be termed as a diary while in the program and I would like to share with you some of the daily ups and downs that I experienced. What follows are the day to day thoughts of one depressive person while in Intensive Outpatient Therapy.

The first few days were tough.

Week 1, Day 1:
I’m afraid that group therapy isn’t going to help. There’s such a large gap in ages. I’m worried that some of the programs won’t be helpful. I know quite a bit about depression, medication and treatment all ready, so I’m not sure what else there is to learn.
I also learned about Avoidant and Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorders. I have homework from my psychiatrist. I am to research these personality disorders as well as a couple of the medications that he intends to ‘inflict’ on me.

Day 2:
I still feel like I don’t fit in with the group. I can’t relate to what they’re talking about it. My therapist for the day says that I should talk about it in the next group session and that I need to have more awareness. I’m starting a chart to see when I fit in and when I don’t. Maybe keeping track will make me be more aware.
We also talked about change today. I’m not very big on change.

Day 3:
Today we learned a little about self-soothe kits. I’m going to have to make one. I also figured out that I have to take my medication AFTER I eat, unless I want to toss up everything in my stomach again.
My homework for the weekend is to write down examples of avoidant symptoms.

Day 4:
The weekend was not fun. Every time I took my medication, even taking it after I had eaten, I experienced nearly every side effect I could possibly experience. Nausea, drowsiness, weakness, dizziness, etc. We decided to switch the medication immediately.
I also learned that ‘what you resist, persists’ and I have to have awareness of my viewpoint. Mindfulness is being in the moment, and that’s something I’m going to need to work on. I’m not so good at it right now.

Day 5:
Today was fun. We had music therapy group. I played Someone Who Cares by Three Days Grace and I learned about a couple of other really good songs as well.
I learned that relationships can’t be 2 almost fully overlapping circles, or one circle inside another. A healthy relationship is like a venn diagram. I’m beginning to wonder about my relationships/friendships. Am I giving too much of myself to others?

Day 6:
I learned about NAMI and Art Therapy classes in the area today.
I also experienced a quick change of mood from happy to depressed about 15 minutes into therapy today. I don’t know what triggered this quick mood change. I feel like I’m withdrawing. I don’t want to be here today. I don’t know why. I just want to cry.

Day 7:
Today I learned about the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee, or as I’m going to call it from now on, the IBSC (which sounds a lot more official).
My therapist told me I need to focus on me. He told me to ask my best friend what he liked about me, so that I could have “I am” statements to repeat to myself. I’m also supposed to describe my personality and then have a close friend or family member do the same. That could be interesting.
After program today I began to wonder, how are these coping skills that I’m learning, going to help when it’s just me & the IBSC after I discharge from the program?

Day 8:
I feel like crap. I feel worthless, like I’m not worth people’s time and attention. I don’t like myself. I don’t even know how to like myself.
Today’s journaling became it’s own post and can be seen here.

Please stay tuned for parts 2, 3, 4, and 5.