Dying Inside

Somedays, I wake up and I just want to scream at the world. How can nobody see that every day, I’m dying a little more inside? How can everyone who knows what is going on with me, ignore it and pretend that I don’t exist?

It’s funny the reactions I get when I tell people I only have one friend. They either insist that I have more than one friend or they try to by sympathetic. I don’t understand these reactions. I’m not saying that I have only one friend for your sympathy or your insistance that I have more friends, I’m telling you this because I want you to understand my life. I want you to look outside of your own life and consider others.

I feel like I’m dying inside and that nobody cares. That nobody can see. I put on a smiling face and pretend everything is all right, but in reality I’m thinking would anyone actually care if I wasn’t here? Would anyone really miss me if I was gone? Would it really be a bad thing if I wasn’t here?

And I know the logical answer to those questions. I know that my friend and my family would miss me. And I know that I wouldn’t be able to achieve all that I dream I can do. I know I have the potential, there are just days when I don’t care. There are days when my feelings, while knowingly illogical, win over my logical side. There are days when all I can do is feel. And right now, I’m trying to learn that feelings are not reality.

There are days when the researched posts are easier to write and there are days when the personal posts are easier to write. It’s hard to face your issues. It makes you face down the parts of you that you’d rather leave alone. Parts that you’d rather leave hidden. But if you keep leaving those parts alone, you’ll never fix them and you’ll never get better.

I face this everyday in therapy. And they make you look at the parts of you that are messed up and you wonder how it even got to this point. How certain things got so bad that you couldn’t cope or that you never developed the skills you needed to cope. You wonder what’s wrong with you. You wonder how it all went wrong. And you wonder if your world will ever be right again.

I’m working on it. And I’m hoping. At this point, that’s all I can do.

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One thought on “Dying Inside

  1. No matter how you are feeling, that is YOUR reality. You already know that your feelings are not consistent with objective reality, but that’s simply not helpful. I argue that nobody’s feelings are consistent with objective reality. You could take the right combination of stimulants (or have the right brain chemistry) and feel happy and see only the silver lining in every situation, and that would also be inconsistent with ‘reality’. But what is accomplished by achieving mastery of the logical if chemistry won’t allow your feelings to follow suite? No idea if my experience will be helpful in your case, but I’ll share just in case. I read some studies a few years ago that concluded that adults who were exposed to nicotine during fetal development (I was) are predisposed to depression and other mental health issues and that they are highly sensitive to nicotine but that it helps with symptoms. I’ve been using very small doses of nicotine (gum 3-4 mg per day) for 12 years, and it has been a game changer for me with no apparent side effects yet. My diet is considered radical by most (mostly veggies, nuts, seeds, beans, grass fed dairy, pastured eggs, raw beef liver, seaweed and fish), and I stay in prime physical condition, exercising 6 days a week. I also know without question that hormonal birth control causes me major depressive episodes, though every doctor I’ve talked with denies that this is even possible. I use OTC Broncaid (ephedrine) occasionally – possibly a bad idea but it works amazingly well for me. Not sure if you would find any of these ideas helpful or even acceptable, but for what it’s worth, I think focusing on the chemistry is key, and I wish you the best in your journey out of this!

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