This is a continuation, Week 2, of my daily journal while in outpatient treatment for depression, anxiety and avoident personality disorder. Click to read Week 1.
Week 2, Day 9:
Today was a continuation of the feelings from day 8. Even with a weekend between the days, I still feel worthless.
My homework for today was to write a journal post as if I was living 10 years in the future. My doctor told me to describe my life as it was happening, exactly 10 years from today.
We also learned about accountability and victimization. That lesson will be posted at a later date.
Parts of today’s journaling also became it’s own post and can be seen here.
I was informed by my group therapist that I’m getting a secondary gain by being in group therapy. Secondary gain can be defined as benefits received by not overcoming a problem. Secondary gains are problematic because while they make you feel better, they aren’t helping you fix the root problem.
I was also told that I need to have ‘Pinterest thinking’. Pinterest is all about uniqueness, and I need to remember that I am like a pinterest board. I am unique. I need to use “I am” statements, but nothing is really going to help me until I decide to ‘flip the switch’ and do the things I’m being taught.
We also had expressive therapy where we had to draw a picture of ourselves as a kite. It was a fun project, and you can view the picture here.
I’m in a good mood today!! 🙂
I’m feeling better; more like my old self. I have energy, some motivation and ideas. I want to do things! I want to make a difference! I’m thinking about starting an outside support group in my area. A group for people who can relate to each other & want or need outside support.
The Problem: When I have energy, I need to remember not to take on too much. I don’t want to become overwhelmed. I don’t want to crash in the middle of a project. For more information, please view the post on Project Immersion, here.
I had my family session today. I was a little nervous about it. I have had family sessions before, but you never know what someone else is going to say. My parents didn’t say much. It often seems like they don’t want to get involved. We talked about how I need to have a value base and a change in priorities. I need to do things for myself and live like I’m driving.
Living like you’re driving is like this: You have to look in the rearview mirror every once and a while and occasionally, you need to look far in front of you to see where you’re going, but for the most part when you’re driving, you have to pay attention to your surroundings and the environment around you so that you don’t crash.
I was in a pretty good mood until I met with my psychiatrist. He informed me that ‘people need people’, ‘I need to make social connections’, and ‘no one will do it for me’. While I agree with these statements, I’m still struggling with them. My doctors are really pushing me to be social and I just don’t do social. I haven’t been to a social outing since college.
I ended the day wondering why people needed people. My psychiatrist was pushing for me to get outside of my comfort zone and I didn’t like that at all.
He did make me a card though and it says, “Life isn’t fair however you, Talia, can be happy! :)”.
But I also learned that Feelings are not facts and thoughts have no power unless you let them.
I don’t really want to be here right now. I don’t feel like it’s helping. I don’t know how these coping skills are going to help. I feel like they’re not helping now. If all of this isn’t helping, what will? I keep trying and trying. What’s the point, if trying isn’t working?
Why do people need people?
Please stay tuned for Weeks 3, 4, and 5. Please view Week 1 as well.