As I posted here, I was recently admitted into a psychiatric outpatient treatment center for my depression. I kept what could loosely be termed as a diary while in the program and I would like to share with you some of the daily ups and downs that I experienced. What follows are the day to day thoughts of one depressive person while in Intensive Outpatient Therapy.
The first few days were tough.
Week 1, Day 1:
I’m afraid that group therapy isn’t going to help. There’s such a large gap in ages. I’m worried that some of the programs won’t be helpful. I know quite a bit about depression, medication and treatment all ready, so I’m not sure what else there is to learn.
I also learned about Avoidant and Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorders. I have homework from my psychiatrist. I am to research these personality disorders as well as a couple of the medications that he intends to ‘inflict’ on me.
I still feel like I don’t fit in with the group. I can’t relate to what they’re talking about it. My therapist for the day says that I should talk about it in the next group session and that I need to have more awareness. I’m starting a chart to see when I fit in and when I don’t. Maybe keeping track will make me be more aware.
We also talked about change today. I’m not very big on change.
Today we learned a little about self-soothe kits. I’m going to have to make one. I also figured out that I have to take my medication AFTER I eat, unless I want to toss up everything in my stomach again.
My homework for the weekend is to write down examples of avoidant symptoms.
The weekend was not fun. Every time I took my medication, even taking it after I had eaten, I experienced nearly every side effect I could possibly experience. Nausea, drowsiness, weakness, dizziness, etc. We decided to switch the medication immediately.
I also learned that ‘what you resist, persists’ and I have to have awareness of my viewpoint. Mindfulness is being in the moment, and that’s something I’m going to need to work on. I’m not so good at it right now.
Today was fun. We had music therapy group. I played Someone Who Cares by Three Days Grace and I learned about a couple of other really good songs as well.
I learned that relationships can’t be 2 almost fully overlapping circles, or one circle inside another. A healthy relationship is like a venn diagram. I’m beginning to wonder about my relationships/friendships. Am I giving too much of myself to others?
I learned about NAMI and Art Therapy classes in the area today.
I also experienced a quick change of mood from happy to depressed about 15 minutes into therapy today. I don’t know what triggered this quick mood change. I feel like I’m withdrawing. I don’t want to be here today. I don’t know why. I just want to cry.
Today I learned about the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee, or as I’m going to call it from now on, the IBSC (which sounds a lot more official).
My therapist told me I need to focus on me. He told me to ask my best friend what he liked about me, so that I could have “I am” statements to repeat to myself. I’m also supposed to describe my personality and then have a close friend or family member do the same. That could be interesting.
After program today I began to wonder, how are these coping skills that I’m learning, going to help when it’s just me & the IBSC after I discharge from the program?
I feel like crap. I feel worthless, like I’m not worth people’s time and attention. I don’t like myself. I don’t even know how to like myself.
Today’s journaling became it’s own post and can be seen here.
Please stay tuned for parts 2, 3, 4, and 5.