How can anyone love me? What is there to love? I can’t even like myself. How can someone like me, care for me, love me, when I can’t even love myself? What do they see in me that I can’t find? Do I even deserve love?
These are questions that I wrestle with daily. I had great examples of functioning relationships while growing up. My grandparents, family members, but especially my parents showed me what a working, functioning relationship should look like. I know that life isn’t about riding off into the sunset after the wedding and I know that happy endings are always happy every day, but no relationship is perfect and you have to be willing to work to maintain a relationship.
Is it because I’m too hard on myself?
This is another question I wrestle with. I know in my head that I am a pretty awesome person. I have great ideas and plans. I am a nice person and I’m always willing to help others, but knowing and believing are two very different things. I have a hard time believing in myself and I’ve had enough situations occur where I’ve felt unwanted that today it baffles me when someone shows an interest in me.
What do they see that so many others can’t?
I have the hardest time making friends, so it’s difficult for me to believe that someone could fall in love with me. My dad used to say that he would say “good luck” to any guy that asks for my hand in marriage. And while I understand why he would say that, because I know I can be a handful, it still hurts to hear him say it.
I want love. I want a husband, a family and a home. I want to be able to come home to someone who loves me for me and I want to feel life grow inside me. And I struggle with the question who would want me, because there are days, often many of them, when I don’t even want myself because I have this little voice in my head that tells me that I’m not good enough for anyone or anything.
Right now, I have to focus on myself. If I don’t, I’ll never have a healthy relationship with someone else. I have to be more comfortable with me and everything that entails. I have to be comfortable knowing that I’ll have my good days and my bad but that it doesn’t change who I am. I just have to remember that I am an awesome, caring, giving person who has so much to offer the world and the people who want to be in my life. And I would also like to share that with others.