To my Parents:
I write this after having blown up at you and accusing you of not caring about my mental health on Easter. I am sorry that this occurred on a holiday. Especially a holiday spent with the family, but I have to acknowledge that it is something that would have occurred sooner or later.
Often times, I feel like you don’t care about my mental health. And honestly, the fact that I haven’t heard from you since that day, after accusing you of not caring, only reinforces that opinion. I’m struggling all by myself and it feels like you have no idea, nor do you care what I’m going through. You don’t realize that the smallest thing could trigger me, like it did on Easter.
Lately, I have been feeling like you’ve only been taking my mental health halfway seriously. It frustrates me because you can’t or you refuse to see what I’m struggling with daily. It bothers me when you make fun of me for doing my dishes for the first time in over a month, because I look at that as a positive. Yes, I should be doing my dishes daily, but right now that’s not a goal I can convincingly set for myself, so in all reality, I’m very proud of the fact that I did my dishes despite wanting to just lay in bed. Many days I have to be proud of the fact that I even managed to get out of bed.
I wish you would/could understand what I’m going through and where I’m coming from. Sometimes my brain is not my own. It is often taken over and controlled by my depression and all I can do is try my hardest to fight something that’s been deeply ingrained in myself for so long. I am trying to change. I am trying to use my coping skills and learn how to redirect my thoughts, but something that’s been so natural for me and so repetitively taught for years, will take years to undo.
When I call you, it’s often not because I want to talk to my ‘parent’. I’m 24 and live on my own, and while I often would like advice from your vast experiences, I will ask when I want advice. I may still be your daughter, but I also have my own life now. When I call you now, it’s because I want to talk to you. It’s because I need to talk to someone and because I have only one friend, I know I can turn to you for support and care.
Right now, I don’t need a parent. Right now, what I need and want is a friend. I will always be your ‘little’ girl, but I’m not so little anymore. I want you to look at me and be proud of what I’ve become and what I’ve done in my life so far. I know it’s not what we originally thought would happen, but as you believe, ‘all things happen for a reason’.
I need you to realize that I’m not the person I was, but I’m hoping to become a stronger person than I am. All I want is your support and it frustrates me that you say things in family sessions but then don’t follow through Some things will never change, and in some ways, I’m still that little girl who needs her parents, but in another I’m a grown up who has taken control of her own life. All I ask is for patience, understanding and support.
Despite the fact that you don’t understand and don’t know how to react to the person I am currently, I love you.