Loneliness. This is another one of the overwhelming feelings of depression. You feel that nobody possesses the ability to know or understand the way you feel. You feel as though nobody wants to be around you and that you are alone.
Depression lies. It magnifies every negative thought you have about yourself. It tells you that you don’t have any friends, that people don’t want to be around you and I often feel like my depression is telling me that truth.
I often think that my depression wouldn’t be so bad, if I wasn’t alone all of the time. My depression wouldn’t be able to lie to me if I had people to hang out with, but the truth is that I really don’t have anyone that I can count on. I feel like I can count on people to blow me off, ignore me or forget about me, but I don’t feel like I can count on most people for anything positive. I have one friend I can count on and I’m afraid of losing him. I afraid that I’m relying too much on him and eventually he’ll just be done.
What a lot of people don’t understand is the choice they have when it comes to being alone. Most people can choose between hanging out with friends or being by themselves. Unfortunately, I don’t have that choice. I don’t get to choose between hanging out with friends or being alone, I’m just alone.
It’s frustrating not having people you can count on. And you wonder if it’s you. You wonder if there’s something wrong with you, but you can’t figure out what. You wish you could figure out what it is, so you could fix it. So people would want to be around you. I know people don’t like the negativity that I can sometimes be shrouded in, but it’s not something I can just fix.
A lot of times when I think of the people in my life, I think of this quote, “No one is really busy. It all depends on what number you are on their priority list.” It just seems to me that I’m not even factored into their priority list. I’ve reached out to numerous ‘friends’ only to be ignored. I’ve tried making plans with ‘friends’ only to be blown off.
Honestly, I’m sick of their excuses. I have a disease, but I don’t use it as an excuse to not do things in my life. I still get out of bed, go to work and attempt to hang out with people. I would do anything for my friends, but I only have one that would do anything for me.
Not having someone, that’s the worst curse imaginable. Too bad I’m one of those people living that curse.
What do you think is the worst feeling to have with depression?