Hopelessness. That is the overwhelming feeling that affects you when you have depression. The feeling that nothing is ever going to get better. That nothing is going to change.
I know that is not the case. I know things are going to change. I am making steps to change my life, but I still feel hopelessness. I still feel despondent and dejected. I still feel like people do not like me, that they are not ever going to like me and that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
I feel that I will never find a job that I like and I will never finish college. I’ve worked at so many different jobs over the years and I’ve tried to finish college, twice. I feel like nothing is working out for me.
With depression, there is a major difference between knowing, feeling and doing. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to, I’ve done it before. But I feel like I’m never going to succeed in life. I know my apartment needs to be cleaned, but I cannot find the motivation to clean it. I know that I am not worthless, but I feel like I am.
The other night, I found out that the job I really wanted had been offered to and accepted by someone else. While talking to a friend, he gave me the advice that instead of speaking in terms of definitives, like I’m never, I should recognize that it is only a feeling. I need to stop reinforcing the idea that ‘I am’ or ‘I am not’ something and need to recognize it is only a feeling. I am not discounting the feeling because it is obviously there for a reason. But it is not a certainty and I need to remember that.
I am sick of feeling the way I do. Sick of being told that I like feeling this way. Sick of being told that I am a negative or pessimistic person. Yes, I view the world with a ‘glass half empty’ mentality, but I think that way for a reason and I can’t help it. Instead of telling me that “I need to get over it” or “just pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, maybe you should try helping me or gain a better understanding of what I’m going through.
Trisha Goddard, a British actress, has survived both depression and breast cancer. She is quoted as saying, “Cancer’s not the worst thing I’ve faced – that was depression. With depression, nobody brings you flowers, and the doctors can’t operate and tell you you’ll be free of the disease within weeks.”
People can’t see your suffering, so they assume you’re not suffering. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We are all suffering, whether it is work, stress, school, etc. It just affects some of us more than others.