Depression is a lying bully. It reaches into the darkest places of my mind and uses it against me. My depression tells me that I’m worthless, that I’m not worth anyone’s time, that I can’t do anything right and that I’m never going to make something of my life. In a nutshell, my depression tells me that I’m a loser.
And the worst part is that depression reinforces itself. Every time someone blows me off, my depression is right there, whispering that I’m not worth anyone’s time. Every time, I get ignored, my depression tells me that I don’t have any friends. And unless my definition of friendship is off, then I don’t and that is rather unfortunate.
I feel better when I’m around other people, because then I’m not alone. And when I’m not alone, my depression isn’t so all-consuming. Unfortunately, I am alone almost all of the time. I work alone, and when I am off work, I don’t have any friends to hang out with. I’m not sure why I don’t have friends. My depression makes me think that there is something wrong with me and that’s why there isn’t anyone. But maybe it’s because they don’t understand my depression.
I realize that everyone has their own life, but we make time for the people that matter to us and it’s just unfortunate that it seems like no one can make time for me. At the moment, I have one friend I can count on. One person who has been there for me no matter what and I want to thank him. I hope he understands how much I appreciate him and what a difference he has made in my life.
Some people say that I like feeling this way. That I like feeling down all the time. That I like having no friends. That I like thinking negatively about everything. But they are wrong. I can’t help the way I think. I wish I could, but there is something chemically wrong in my brain that affects my thinking and I can’t fix that on my own.
There are days when I wake up, and I don’t want to be alive anymore. It’s not that I want to die; there is no plan or intent, I just don’t want to be alive anymore. My life feels pointless, like I’m just wasting space. Othertimes, I want to die because then, maybe someone would pay attention to me. Maybe all of those people who were too busy when I was alive, would understand what they missed once I was gone. But I don’t actively want to die. There is no plan and I have no intention of creating one, there are just days when I don’t want to live.
So please, if you know of someone with depression, let them know that you care. Let them know that you are there for them; to listen and to hug them. Some people do lose this fight. Some people do have a plan and successfully carry it out, and you never know who that could be.
So I want to know. Do you suffer from depression? How do you cope?